Quit Pretending: Stay Connected With Children
How do we connect to ourselves during dysregulation.
“Quit Pretending” is a directive I am definitely not familiar with doing when teaching children. “Fake it ‘til you make it” was my normal go to, which even included when my students disregarded safety protocols. So, when I took Lisa Dion’s workshop, who is the founder of the Synergetic Play Therapy Institute, I was extremely surprised with what she shared. Apparently, you can’t fake it with young children, which I always new but it was really nice to hear her echo that sentiment and back it up with research. When we are dishonest about our own inability to stay with ourselves during a moment that feels too overwhelming to our own nervous system, as educators or facilitators, we appear emotionally incongruent and further contribute to the dysregulation of the child or children.
“A dysregulated child does not need a calm adult. A dysregulated child needs a connected adult that means an adult who is willing to be in the activation but simultaneously knows how to connect to themselves.”
-Lisa Dion
So, what is dysregulation anyway? According to the American Psychological Association, dysregulation is considered to be excessive or poorly managed coping mechanisms in response to an emotional stimulus.
So this is my question. How do we help children stay connected to themselves while we, as adults, stay connected to ourselves?
Lisa Dion suggests using the principles of synergetic play therapy in order for us, the facilitating educator, to help regulate the children, while cultivating our own sense of safety. Synergetic play therapy is a researched-informed model of play therapy blending the therapeutic power of play with nervous system regulation, interpersonal neurobiology, physics, attachment, mindfulness, and therapist authenticity.
“In order to be an external regulator which is about helping myself connected to myself and helping the child stay connected to themselves as we find a new pathway of expression of whatever it is that they are doing”.
-Lisa Dion
Be able to feel the discomfort of what’s going on. Recognize that you are feeling a challenge/fear. You have to be willing to feel the activation. Often times when you feel challenged physically or emotionally, we have the urge to calm them down and make it stop. Our urge to calm them down or make them stop is about us (the adults) in that moment. We feel, “I don’t know how to regulate myself in this moment. I don’t know how to stay connected to myself in the moment so I want you to stop.” This is what we say to ourselves, and in moments like these, we don’t know how to stay connected to ourselves . You are going to want to set a boundary with the child because in the moment you don’t know how to hold this challenge.
Connect to yourself, and anchor yourself. Before you move into a boundary setting that is relational. Use whatever anchoring technique feels best for you.
Take deep breadths.
Anchor your body into ground or supporting surface..
Place a hand on the body in a way that feels grounding, if you can.
Verbally express your experience out loud. i.e. “This feels really challenging for me right now.” (This makes you able to stay connected while you are both regulated and dysregulated at the same time)
Set the boundary of your choice.
Acknowledge them and aknowledge what you perceive to be present in their dysregulation.
Acknowledge their attempt to communicate with you.
Redirect. Encourage the child to keep the energy flowing but in a way that feels safer and more constructive. Lisa Dion suggests " Show me another way because I can’t hold this” .
We want to make sure that the spaces that we cultivate feel safe for both the child and the facilitating educator.
We can do this!
Be well. Be whole. Belong.
